A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A Quiet Romantic Dinner
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man
"Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
579 replies to this topic
#41
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forkbender
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 01:15 PM
- forkbender, gefoverry and CrowfordN like this
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
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#42
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Pieman
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 02:03 PM
Hey FB you're risking OD's wrath - he posted the first one on Jan11th and you gave him a Soti for it. Hahaha!!
The second one is really funny, I love it.
The second one is really funny, I love it.
2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl
Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-
Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)
Location:- Fife, Scotland
#43
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 02:37 PM
ooh, you could be receiving your first SOTI card from Warrior for that one!!
Yep, there is indeed a good chance. However, it was a good one and may be worth the price, hahaha.
- forkbender likes this
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) 
Member of the ROFC.
#44
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forkbender
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 04:05 PM
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#45
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 04:06 PM
I thought it was good enough for a second airing!! :0Hey FB you're risking OD's wrath - he posted the first one on Jan11th and you gave him a Soti for it. Hahaha!!
The second one is really funny, I love it.
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#46
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 05:38 PM
ooh, you could be receiving your first SOTI card from Warrior for that one!!
Not today FB, I'm feeling generous.
Steve
Member of the ROFC
Worcester, U.K.
2017 190PS TDI SEL DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, Dynaudio, Keyless, Full Electric Tailgate, TPMS, Park Assist & Rear View Camera, Heated S/Wheel.
Previously - 2011 140PS TDI Match DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Cruise, Convenience, Off Road, Bi-Xenons and retro fit fogs.
Previously - 2008 170PS TDI Sport Manual, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Park Assist, M/F Wheel, Cruise Control.
#47
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Posted 26 January 2014 - 07:05 PM
- Johnny likes this
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) Member of the ROFC.
#48
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Old Dog
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 01:18 AM
- Johnny likes this
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) Member of the ROFC.
#49
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 09:18 AM
Made me smile this morning 
2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl
Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-
Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)
Location:- Fife, Scotland
#50
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 09:19 AM
- Warrior likes this
2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl
Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-
Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)
Location:- Fife, Scotland
#51
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 11:48 AM
Me too.
Steve
Member of the ROFC
Worcester, U.K.
2017 190PS TDI SEL DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, Dynaudio, Keyless, Full Electric Tailgate, TPMS, Park Assist & Rear View Camera, Heated S/Wheel.
Previously - 2011 140PS TDI Match DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Cruise, Convenience, Off Road, Bi-Xenons and retro fit fogs.
Previously - 2008 170PS TDI Sport Manual, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Park Assist, M/F Wheel, Cruise Control.
#52
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 12:40 PM
that'll be OD sitting on top no doubt!
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#53
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forkbender
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 01:15 PM
Have A Little Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#54
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forkbender
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 01:19 PM
Mind And Muscle
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
- Warrior likes this
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#55
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forkbender
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 01:20 PM
and an old one I've featured before-
Quivering Blue-Hair
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
" W-well h-how-w do y-you t-t-turn it o-off
Quivering Blue-Hair
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
" W-well h-how-w do y-you t-t-turn it o-off
- Warrior likes this
(R) OFC
Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"
Sheffield, England, UK
2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/
#56
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Old Dog
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 02:05 PM
that'll be OD sitting on top no doubt!
ROFL 
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) Member of the ROFC.
#57
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Old Dog
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 02:09 PM
Three gems there FB, hahaha 
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) Member of the ROFC.
#58
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Pieman
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myTiguan Master
- My Tiguan:2010 SE TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion
- Where are you located?:United Kingdom
- Additional Location Information::Fife, Scotland
Posted 28 January 2014 - 04:59 PM
Three gems there FB, hahaha
Yep!! FB - Back on top form.
2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl
Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-
Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)
Location:- Fife, Scotland
#59
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mickjane2
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- Additional Location Information::N W Kent the Garden of England
Posted 28 January 2014 - 05:21 PM
N.W. Kent England2018 Tiguan Mk2 2.0 TSI DSG SEL deep black pearl, Slash cut exhaust tips, chrome Mirror covers, front wing embellishes, Stainless tail gate trim. 2010 Black 2.0 TDI DSG, 4Motion, Match P/X'd2010 Black EOS SE 140 TDI DSG<p> Member of the OFC
#60
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Old Dog
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Posted 28 January 2014 - 05:35 PM
Is that you speaking from experience OD
Hahaha...not yet!!!
Current: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior. Driver Assistance Package (Adaptive Cruise Control, Blind Spot Detection, Rear Traffic Alert, Lane Assist, Light Assist, Rear Cam with Area View 360 and Remote Start). R-Line Package (19" Trenton Alloys, Heated Steering Wheel, R-Line Door Aluminium Sill Plates and Stainless Steel Pedals). Pics >>> https://www.mytiguan...ew-2018-r-line/ .
Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15
Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/
"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."
Montreal, Quebec (Canada) Member of the ROFC.
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