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#1 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 03:19 PM

This thread was set up to capture all those uplifting jokes to help get us through the day.

 

Cheers!


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"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

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#2 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:28 PM

An OFC tale to start us off:

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

:cry: 



 


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

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2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


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#3 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:32 PM

LOL, poor guy, hehehe. It was only fitting FB that you were the first to post here. Leave room for the rest of us though, eh mate! :roll:


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"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

Montreal, Quebec (Canada) post-3541-0-50538200-1530623199.gif Member of the ROFC.


#4 OFFLINE   Pieman

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:39 PM

:twoup:  :grin:  :grin:  A great start to the new thread FB


 

2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl

Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-

Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)

Location:- Fife, Scotland 


#5 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:41 PM

why thank you sirs....."Pukka" Pieman!  ;-)


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

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2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


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#6 OFFLINE   Pieman

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:51 PM

Attached File  Joke.jpg   78.64KB   50 downloads

 

Just came across this one - thought it worthy of the new thread


 

2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl

Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-

Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)

Location:- Fife, Scotland 


#7 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:53 PM

Love it!! :twoup:


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

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2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
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#8 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 10:55 PM

Posted this "agony aunt" piece somewhere, then lost it!

Attached Files


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

flag43.gifflag-of-england.gif


2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
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#9 OFFLINE   Pieman

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Posted 17 January 2014 - 11:04 PM

Yep! you posted it somewhere because I read it very recently - but still funny the second time round.


 

2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl

Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-

Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)

Location:- Fife, Scotland 


#10 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 18 January 2014 - 01:45 AM

attachicon.gifJoke.jpg

 

Just came across this one - thought it worthy of the new thread

Love it Archie, hahaha. Good contribution. :twoup: :twoup:


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Previous: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior.

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"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

Montreal, Quebec (Canada) post-3541-0-50538200-1530623199.gif Member of the ROFC.


#11 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 18 January 2014 - 01:49 AM

Yep! you posted it somewhere because I read it very recently - but still funny the second time round.

Yep...FB posted it very recently Pieman. Hmmm, does this mean he's reached the end of his jokes and he is now starting to repeat himself??? :roll: OMG, I better lock the thread then. :gathering:


Current: 2020 VW Atlas Cross Sport - Comfortline 3.6L in Pacific Blue

Previous: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior.

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The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
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"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

Montreal, Quebec (Canada) post-3541-0-50538200-1530623199.gif Member of the ROFC.


#12 OFFLINE   Pieman

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Posted 18 January 2014 - 10:39 AM

Yep...FB posted it very recently Pieman. Hmmm, does this mean he's reached the end of his jokes and he is now starting to repeat himself??? :roll: OMG, I better lock the thread then. :gathering:

 

Surely just a rare senile moment - Surprising in such a young man!! :grin:   :rolleyes:


 

2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl

Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-

Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)

Location:- Fife, Scotland 


#13 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 18 January 2014 - 11:02 AM

My doc says I don't have senile or senior moments. He says I have CRAFT moments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can't Remember A F***ing Thing.


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

flag43.gifflag-of-england.gif


2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
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#14 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 11:36 AM

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
 
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest b 1tch, give her a Ferrari worth over a  million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach,
 a jet  to travel throughout Europe , and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

 

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this  horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he  said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: And how about you, Sarah?"
 
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, now -- I want to be Johnny's b1 tch."

 

(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

flag43.gifflag-of-england.gif


2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
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#15 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 11:41 AM

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. 

 

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 

 

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! 

 

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. 

 

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. 

 

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" 

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. 

 

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

 

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. 

 

All in all, one hell of a performance Dad."

 

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" 

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed....

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"



Broken Coffee Table £239.99

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

flag43.gifflag-of-england.gif


2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/


#16 OFFLINE   Pieman

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 12:00 PM

Hahaha!  Great to have a laugh on a miserable wet day.  :twoup:


 

2010 Tiguan SE 2.0TDI 140 Auto 4 Motion - Deep Black Pearl

Items added since buying My Tig in April 2012 :-

Fiscon Bluetooth - Cruise Control - Rear Parking Sensors - Side Mouldings - Stainless Steel Door Sill Protectors - Rear Armrest Cushion - Shark Fin Arial - Front Fog Lights - Upgraded BCM - Automatic Lights Switch and Sensor - LED Door Warning Lights - LED Mirror Puddle Lights - Interior Lights Changed to LEDs - LED Front and Rear Footwell Lights - LED Side Lights - Mud Flaps - Boot Liner - Bonnet Gas Struts - Boot Lip Protector - Near Side Rear Fog Light(Twin rear fog lights)

Location:- Fife, Scotland 


#17 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 01:54 PM

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
 
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest b 1tch, give her a Ferrari worth over a  million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach,
 a jet  to travel throughout Europe , and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

 

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this  horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he  said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: And how about you, Sarah?"
 
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, now -- I want to be Johnny's b1 tch."

 

Another Jem FB, hahaha


Current: 2020 VW Atlas Cross Sport - Comfortline 3.6L in Pacific Blue

Previous: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior.

Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
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Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

Montreal, Quebec (Canada) post-3541-0-50538200-1530623199.gif Member of the ROFC.


#18 OFFLINE   Old Dog

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 01:57 PM

Hahaha!  Great to have a laugh on a miserable wet day.  :twoup:

+1, but on a miserable snowy day here across the Big Pond. ;-)


Current: 2020 VW Atlas Cross Sport - Comfortline 3.6L in Pacific Blue

Previous: 2018 R-Line 4MO in Platinum Grey Metallic with Two Tone Saffrano Orange and Black Interior.

Previous: 2015 Trendline 4MOTION dressed in Pure White with Convenience Package. .
Previous: 2011 Tiguan Comfortline/SE 2.0T 4MOTION in White Gold with Sport Package.
The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: https://www.mytiguan...></span></span>
VCDS Members' Locator Map: https://www.zeemaps....=53.883275&z=15

Glossary of Abbreviations: https://www.mytiguan...-abbreviations/

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure."

 

Montreal, Quebec (Canada) post-3541-0-50538200-1530623199.gif Member of the ROFC.


#19 ONLINE   Warrior

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Posted 19 January 2014 - 06:56 PM

Keep 'em coming FB.  :twoup:


Steve 
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2017 190PS TDI SEL DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, Dynaudio, Keyless, Full Electric Tailgate, TPMS, Park Assist & Rear View Camera, Heated S/Wheel.

Previously - 2011 140PS TDI Match DSG, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Cruise, Convenience, Off Road, Bi-Xenons and retro fit fogs.
Previously - 2008 170PS TD
I Sport Manual, Black Pearl, Black Leather, RNS510, Dynaudio, Park Assist, M/F Wheel, Cruise Control.


#20 OFFLINE   forkbender

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Posted 20 January 2014 - 07:16 PM

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.

 

He: "My dear, what can I do to help you?"

 

She: "Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook."

 

 

 


 

 

Is there a need to say more?

 
 
 
 

Attached Files


(R) OFC

Now interested in the hereafter..often find myself in a room and wondering "Now what did I come in here after!"

 

 Sheffield, England, UK

flag43.gifflag-of-england.gif


2011 Tiguan Match TDI 140 4Motion DSG 7 with cruise, panoramic sunroof, winter and convenience packs, summer and winter mats, mud flaps all round, in reflex silver


The Tiggy Map of the World: http://www.zeemaps.c...&y=-1.4061&z=15
How to add yourself to the Tiggy Map: http://www.mytiguan....p-of-the-world/
Glossary of Abbreviations: http://www.mytiguan....-abbreviations/





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